The Gray Rock Method: Have Them Lose Interest in You

During a conversation that I recently had with colleagues of mine, I was introduced to the term “gray rocking”. It wasn’t immediately clear from the context of the conversation what this term meant, so I asked for some clarification. “The Gray Rock Method” is a method where, when faced with a person who is trying to elicit a reaction from you, they are met with indifference and unresponsiveness. Receiving no stimulus in return, they eventually lose interest and stop what they’re doing.

Most of us, at some point, have had to deal with someone trying to get a reaction from us. Whether it be from a family member, a bully, a partner, a co-worker or even just a stranger who’s trying to antagonize us, we will be faced with a time in our lives when someone will deliberately be trying to get a rise out of us. “The Gray Rock Method” was proposed as a way to mitigate some of the damage caused by that sort of behavior.

The name of this method was definitely new to me, but the practice itself was not. Having come to realize that people who engaged in this type of behavior were not worth my time or effort, I had been gray rocking for decades. Keeping myself from engaging with someone who was treating me poorly, was often the best course of action. It wasn’t in my interest to waste the cognitive energy fighting a battle I didn’t care to engage in, let alone bring to some pyrrhic victory. I wasn’t willing to feed the person who was trying to siphon my energy.

This had always struck me as an element of Stoicism and nothing more; an ability to endure hardship, pain or discomfort without showing emotion or voicing any complaint. This is indeed one of the tenets of Stoicism in speaking about courage; to be fearless in the face of adversity and meaningful conflict in order to take Virtuous actions. While it is true that this is one of the teachings of the Stoic philosophy, the reasoning behind taking this position is not frequently discussed. Before I get into the reasons why people “gray rock” and why psychologists think that it works, I should give a more detailed explanation of what “The Gray Rock Method” is.

“Gray rocking” is a tactic used to protect oneself from abusive people, often narcissists, by not engaging with their abusive behavior. If someone is being emotionally abusive, “toxic” or is a narcissist, it can be effective to not engage or to engage very little with their behavior. Examples of this include not engaging in conversation, avoiding eye contact, giving short and/or straightforward answers when absolutely necessary, disengaging from the situation or concentrating your attention on something else around you.

This tactic is rooted in the concept of extinction in behavioral psychology. Extinction, in this context, refers to the notion that a behavior which does not have the desired effect will eventually cease. It builds upon the Pavlovian theories surrounding conditioning. People who are subjected to this tactic may change their approach to using flattery or appearing to be more pleasant in their interactions in order to have their target let down their guard. They may fabricate an upheaval in their world in order to get their target to sympathize with them and offer their support. The subject may also redouble their efforts and escalate the situation, making it far more unpleasant.

In instances where the behavior escalates before ameliorating or ceasing, the target undergoes a phenomenon known as “the extinction burst”. This “extinction burst” occurs due to the attribution of value to the continuation of the problematic behavior, as it was effective in the past and because of the target’s inability to counter it. The problematic behavior decreases afterward, the perceived value of the previous behavior decreasing as interaction diminishes. I’ve had this explained to me as the tendency of someone to frantically press the remote control buttons as the batteries are dying.

The “Gray Rock Method” is not sustainable indefinitely, however. It can be very emotionally and cognitively taxing to hold fast against sustained antagonism. “Gray rocking” can leave one with feelings of isolation, frustration and anger at the inability to assert their emotions, leading to difficulty expressing emotion if used over an extended period of time. This makes “gray rocking” best when used in situations where you will only be subject to problematic behavior for shorter, unsustained periods of time. This could be in dealing with an unpleasant co-worker, a relative that you only see once in a while or the local jerk on your softball team.

In instances where there is a prolonged, constant exposure to this problematic or “toxic” behavior such as in a relationship, at home with one’s parents, etc., where the behavior has escalated to an unbearable point or someone is making you feel unsafe, you should rethink “gray rocking” during your interactions with them and reconsider having any additional interactions with that person, i.e. ending the relationship or seeking outside help.  

As a recap here’s a quick list of things to remember when deciding to employ the “Gray Rock Method”:

1. Know when to employ “gray rocking”: there are sometimes unavoidable circumstances that lead us to have to interact with people who have problematic behaviors. ”Gray rocking” can help you get through those limited interactions. It can also be useful in helping to navigate the ending of a relationship with someone who espouses these “toxic” behaviors.

Do not engage in “gray rocking” if you feel unsafe. In that case, it is best to extricate yourself from that situation and to shed that person from your life.

2. Never tell the “gray rock” target that this is what’s happening: This may cause an escalation in aggression. The knowledge that this is what you’re doing may be used against you if explicitly stated.

3. Give up no more information than absolutely necessary: Any information that is not absolutely necessary to convey should be left out of any interaction with the target of “gray rocking”. Information can be used as fodder for abuse or a way of getting you to interact in the future.

“Gray rocking” often includes being absolutely devoid of opinions or observations. If a person who is trying to get a reaction from you asks you to comment on a statement, an ideal response could be “I hadn’t noticed.” or “I don’t really have an opinion.” Whether this is actually true or not doesn’t really matter, but it gives the person less to interact with and makes you a far less interesting target.

4.  Limit exposure: “Gray rocking” can be taxing both emotionally and intellectually. With continued use, it could lead to problems with emotional expression in the future. Do your best to limit exposure to the problematic person and to not have to employ the “gray rock” method for longer than necessary.

5. Check in on yourself: Trying to disengage from your emotions and be unresponsive to a person who is actively provoking you can be difficult. Use grounding exercises to keep yourself in a better headspace and to calm yourself while you’re in the situation. Make sure to address any needs that you may have once you’re out of the situation. Talking to someone outside of the situation can be helpful to ensure that you’re still expressing your thoughts and feelings. It can also help you brainstorm possible actions or reactions that you could have to a similar interaction in the future. Journaling is also an effective way to accomplish this.

If you’re attempting to navigate interactions with abusive people, this method provides you with a way to potentially shut down the pattern of problematic behavior and end the relationship, if need be. It is not, however, a panacea for dealing with “toxic” people. Remember that your mental health and personal safety are of paramount importance. If you feel that you are in danger, you should remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. A therapist may be able to provide you with advice or support.

Michael Courcelles

MC Mentoring and Consulting